Monday, January 7, 2019

Death is such a motherfucker

I try not to do a ton of personal posts in a row because ultimately this is a creative blog (I think, probably, I mean I'm trying for that) but things happen and I also use this platform to talk about the things in my head. 

Without going into a lot of detail, one of our families lost someone recently. A mother who was barely a year older than me. It was sudden. And she's just gone now. 

I struggle every time we lose someone, some I've never stopped grappling with because they were so damn needed here and their absence is felt right to our core. 

I'm struggling with this on several levels of loss because this is right about the end of my 1.8 year life expectancy they gave me for my original misdiagnosis. I felt dead the second they said it and yet somehow my brain was like it just can't happen because I'd miss my husband, my children so much that it would rip a hole in the fucking universe-it cannot happen. 

It was heartbreaking on a level I can't describe with words. A parent's worst fear is losing their child but close second is leaving them suddenly like this. 


Death is such a motherfucker. And just a while ago, we were planning for this to be me.

 And now her children are unprotected by their mother's arms for the rest of their lives.

Just. Like. That. 


My experiences and the lingering illness I feel like never puts me 100% out of the world of the "half-dead while still living" club. It's always in my mind how CLOSE the end is. For me, for the people I love, for everyone. We are not but steps from the grave and the funeral fires. 

While not at all uncommon as far as fears go, that's a tough reality. 

In the unknown, the insurmountable face of it there is overwhelming sadness. I've read that death is almost unforgivable because it's the end of a totally unique human being, now lost to the physical world forever. 

I find I'm having to go back to the thoughts I used to get through that time of constant medical testing and procedures and wondering to fight off the crippling parts of dealing with things like this. 

In particular, the Gladiator reference in one of my stoicism readings. 

You will die. You just will. 

The crowd lives for and through the warrior who fights with abandon without extreme caution for his own life. 

You can't get caught up in the fact that this will end, but you DO NEED to live as well and as bravely as you can because you know this fact. 

I'm still devastated by the people we lose. 

But this helps me try not to get lost in my fear that we have no certainty. 






**"Seneca on the Shortness of Life: Life is Long if you Know how to use it" is a great starting book to processing all of this and the Order of the Good Death is a helpful website with a collection of resources for not being as death-phobic and making plans. 

**credit to the photographer whose image was used in my artwork unsplash-logoYoal Desurmont

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