Wednesday, May 23, 2018

The May is silent.

Incredibly sorry for the radio silence.

May has been a strange month.

I've written on here before about finding myself in the crisis of a failing body after my last pregnancy almost four years ago. Finding answers to that sometimes felt impossible, and last year I was staring down the label of an illness that I was told would kill me in 1.8 years. They were wrong, thank God. It was as simple as needing a more comprehensive test at a specialty hospital for pulmonary hypertension to diagnose sleep apnea. The CPAP machine has helped tremendously- we suspect my lung pressure is back to normal now (it feels that way, anyway). The rapid-fire heart-rate known as SVT is a different fight.

SVT has several types, but it's basically extra pathways in your heart that cause misfires. We had planned to move toward an ablation (burns or freezes the extra pathways, returning your heartbeat to normal) and after a med change that left me with a resting heart rate of 120 on a good day, we now know it's not likely to help me. 

This month we discovered one of the extra pathways is my sinus node, burning that means my heart can't beat properly and can result in the use of a pacemaker. 

So now we fight it with another change in medicine line-ups, we fight it with a new diet and we fight it with a new workout routine and try to train my heart to get in line. 

I'm not sure right now if I am relieved (surgery sucks) or upset (potentially having SVT forever also sucks). But it feels like we're starting to come full circle from when this all started. We don't have every answer *I'm looking at you, screwed up metabolic panel* but we have enough to treat what was going on. We have a plan. I have a regimen to fight it. That is more power than I've had over my life or well-being for at least two years. 

Med changes for heart-rate are garbage. It's at least a week of feeling like you might actually die while it works into your system and after the failure of last time, I'm allowed to keep my Metoprolol (the tachycardia drug of choice in most cases) as well as adding the new medication. Doing that while dieting and working out feels like I'm climbing a mountain blindfolded. It's not a good mix with writing or blogging or anything other than curling up on the couch like an old dog, really. 

But it's getting better. Everything is getting better. And I'm going to keep fighting for it to stay that way. 

Even if SVT is my forever monster, I have some of my life back that we were told I'd never have. I'm happy about that.

And I'm trying to write more, and review more on here, and just generally be present. 

And with that, if you haven't looked at the PBS special "The Great American Read", please go do it now. I know what you're thinking "BUT MY FAVORITE BOOK WON'T BE ON THERE!" but you know what, it probably is. Just go look, go vote, watch the launch special and listen to how powerful writing actually is and how it's changed our world. Especially if you are a writer who needs a kick in the pants to get words on the page, or some cheering up, or a cheerful kick in the pants to get words on the page. You can find the homepage here

If you're a regular here, you know I voted for Dune. I loved that they had Wil Wheaton championing it as this ultimate fight between what is good and evil, and it's totally that in a powerful package. We all need that message. 

For me, it was something else, too. Chani was the first time I saw someone like me in literature. 

I didn't see reflections of myself in many books, especially classics. 

Chani isn't a pampered aristocrat, she's wild. She's dangerous and so fiercely loyal. I live like that, I love like that. She and I even almost suffered the same fate in childbirth. I find it so awful that someone accused Herbert once of flat female characters because the women in these books are all very different and very fascinating. And you won't find one like Chani anywhere else. It was important to see that those traits she had, often considered unruly, made her a force to be reckoned with on the side of good in the cosmic battle. I needed that.

So my vote is for Dune. 

But I'm just happy with the conversation that "The Great American Read" has opened up. 

*credit to the photograher for the original image*
unsplash-logoOmer Salom

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